Captain Beefcake and the Lieutenant General (TAaP-verse)
by Earendil Eldar
Summary: Martha and Mickey visit for lunch. Mickey comes to understand just how Ianto got Jack to settle down.


"I keep thinking you must have met Mickey at some point. He's kinda been everywhere by now."

"I've been literally underground for years, Jack. There's a lot I've missed," Ianto said, taking a tray of sandwiches out to the terrace while they were waiting for their afternoon guests.

"I'm also still kinda amazed Mickey and Martha ended up together. I didn't think he'd ever get over Rose."

"She must have been something. I hear about her all the time."

"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for her," Jack shrugged. "Some people change worlds without ever meaning to. She was one. Not the only one though," he said, smiling at Ianto.

"Anyway, I've met Martha, and I'm not the least bit surprised somebody fell for her. She's beautiful, strong, brilliant, and didn't take shit from you or Owen. I might have gone for her myself if I wasn't already up to my eyeballs in you."

"Thanks. I think."

They heard a car horn coming up the long driveway and Ianto gave Jack a peck on the cheek, going back in to put the kettle on.

"Martha, Mickey!" Jack grinned, coming around the house to meet them. "Think we can hang out without an end of the world for a change?"

"Don't know, Jack. This much awesomeness all in one place… might have some weird effect on spacetime," Martha said, getting a big hug from Jack.

"We should be fine… didn't invite you-know-who, did ya?" Mickey asked, getting an equally big hug.

"You don't _invite_ him," Ianto said, coming to join the group. "He just turns up unannounced, perilously close to the rose beds. Hello, Martha."

"Ianto! You look great!" Martha said, barely keeping from preening over Ianto.

"Go on, say it. 'For somebody who was dead for months,'" Ianto smirked.

"For _anybody_. You look so relaxed, let your hair grow a bit and all."

"Yeah, well, no more than this. Guess it loosens you up a bit, having been dead."

Behind Ianto, Jack gave a filthy grin and shook his head, mouthing the word, "Nope."

Mickey looked tormented while Martha just snickered.

"Ianto, you haven't met Mickey."

"Haven't had the pleasure," Ianto said, offering his hand.

"You have, actually, but it was several years ago. And it was Samuel, then. Worked on the Orb. You were down in research and archives at the time."

Ianto stared for a long moment. It seemed like a lifetime ago. "We all went for drinks a few times."

"Yeah. So you're the guy that's got the Captain of the Innuendo Squad settling down? You oughta get an OBE for that one, mate. Victoria Cross or something…."

Ianto grinned, glad to have the subject acknowledged but not dwelt on. "It's amazing how everyone comes away with the same impression of him. But, yes, I'm taking him off the market and expect that the postman is going to get fed up delivering 'thank you' notes from the _other-halves_ of the world before long. It's one labour Hercules did not have to undertake."

"He wasn't my type. Way too full of himself," Jack grumbled.

"I could pull some strings on that OBE," Martha said.

"Thank you, but the cap is quite enough," Ianto said.

Jack cleared his throat. "I think the kettle's going off…"

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Come on back to the terrace."

"Tea and sandwiches? How nice!" Martha said, looking at the set table.

"I voted for beer and pizza," Jack said to Mickey.

"And if _you_ could die of heart disease, you would have done by now," Ianto said. "I'll be back with the tea. _You_ be nice."

"This place is gorgeous, Jack," Martha said.

"I always wanted a big place in the country. I'm just lucky I found somebody to take care of it for me."

"I think we're strictly city," Mickey said, looking over at Martha.

"For now," Martha said, "might be nice to sort of slow the pace later on, though."

"When you've been through as much time as I have, there's nothing in the universe better than stretching out on a rainy day," Jack said. "The simplest things matter the most."

"You're a lot more relaxed, too," Martha noted. "Retirement suits you."

"I was telling him that the other day," Ianto said, returning with a tea tray. "Looks like he belongs here now." Ianto subtly brushed a hand across Jack's back as he sat down to pour out.

"Oh, hey, have you guys seen this?" Jack said, pulling out his phone. "Last time the Doc visited, he finally upgraded my phone like yours." Jack spoke into the phone, "Hello, Superphone."

"_Good afternoon, Captain Beefcake. What can I do for you today?_" the robotic voice replied.

"You didn't!" Mickey cackled.

"Well, I can't get _him_ to call me that," Jack said, jerking his head toward Ianto.

"And I told _you_, as soon as you refer to me as Lieutenant General Allcock," Ianto replied calmly.

"He outranks you!" Martha laughed hysterically.

"In his dreams," Jack said.

"In _your_ dreams… some very vivid ones if that mumbling in your sleep is any indication," Ianto said. "Cream, anyone?"

"This all makes perfect sense now," Mickey said to Martha, shaking his head.


End file.
